Just to set things straight. I completely understand that family members and others are more than capable of looking after my baby for a few hours whilst I try to pretend that I have a life. I also understand that for some mothers, they have very little problems with parting with their child for a few hours. After all its perfectly normal and natural to want some time away, they will be safe and looked after, they will be fine. She will be fine. Absolutely fine. Im sure she will be fine. Wont she?.
Logic and reason fly out of the window the moment I pass over my child to someone else when I know its time for me to leave. I suddenly become extremely anxious. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to leave my baby with my husband, thats no problem. Its not that I don’t trust my family to take care of H for a couple of hours but hundreds of ridiculous scenarios run around my head and I spend the entire evening on edge. As soon as I leave her I feel as though I need to rush back and get her, I tell myself I’m being selfish and I should be with her, and I need to go back. I tell myself that she needs me. What if she wont settle, what if she wont take a bottle, what if something happens and Im not there. If I’m in the house and she has just gone out for a walk I pace. The fact of the matter is the only things that ever happen to H while I’m not there are positive. She gets to spend time interacting with other people, she gets lots of cuddles and attention and she is looked after so well. But it still doesn’t dull my anxiety.
H has only been away from me 4 times.
1- A brief walk around the village with Grandma and dad.
2- An hours walk with Grandma and Grandad-
3- 4 Hours at Grandmas house while we went out for tea.
4- A short walk around my estate with Grandma and Grandad.
I know people will read this and think this is ridiculous and she has barely been away from me, but for me its really hard and I know it is for some other people. I have always suffered with anxiety in some form, but being without H makes me really uneasy. I know I need to be away from her sometimes but I don’t always want to. I think its completely healthy to be away from her, for both of us, but I need to do it in my own time. Its something I’m going to need to work hard on!