I have been trying to write something for weeks now. I know what I want to say, Im just not sure how. I feel… alone.
She is finally asleep and I look over at the mountain of washing, unsterilised bottles and toys scattered on the floor and I leave them, they can wait. For now I need 2 minutes. I just need 2 minutes to let it out. I weep this time not because I am tired or angry but because I am lonely.
I have written and deleted this post so many times because loneliness is such a strange feeling to have. Don’t you think? How do you even tell someone you’re lonely? How do you tell your husband? Those who have not felt loneliness see it as a strange thing, a stupid thing perhaps?. After all, I am the one who chose to be lonely. Aren’t I? I am the one who lost contact with good friends because life got in the way. I am the one who moved hours away from my family and friends to start a family of my own. I am the one who chooses not to make new friends, because I stay at home. I am my own worst enemy. I do it to myself. Don’t I? The truth is guess I do. But I cant help it.
I go to town just for a walk and a change of scenery, granted I don’t go every week, but i try to go as often as I can. Even if its just for a coffee. I tried to go to my local baby social. The first 5 minutes were great, we found lots of toys to play with, we were having lots of fun just being out of the house. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Then I look around and my smile weakens, it seems every other mother in the room is talking to a friend, making plans to meet up after group with their babies. Apart from me, there I was, sat with my daughter in a crowd of mums, feeling totally isolated. Did I accidentally wear my ‘DO NOT APPROACH’ sign? I left after 2 hours of having only 2 quick chats with mothers who’s babies crawled close to us. What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to talk to people. Why is no one talking to me? Did I forget to wear deodorant?
Being a mama is HARD, its amazing, its wonderful, but its hard. I spend my days alone, with my 5 month old, playing, laughing and being silly. I spend 10 hours a day alone, for the past 5 months, patiently waiting until my husband finishes work. Talking to a baby who does not talk back, she smiles and she giggles but she does not talk back…Yet. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my daughter and I have had some of the best days of my life sat in my living room making fart noises at her whilst she laughs hysterically and I genuinely wouldn’t change those moments. Its just, the longer I spend in the house alone with my baby, making those memories, and being there for her, the more I feel like I am loosing myself. I cant remember what I used to talk about before? What did I do? Where did I go? I suppose its not so surprising that I cant seam to have conversations and make new friends of my own. I have to rely upon my husband for adult conversation. I wonder how exciting that is for him. Listening to me rattle on about teething, that funny face she made while she peed on me, or the colour of her poop. Not very Im guessing.
I never intended this post to be so hard for me to write. I suppose its just hard to admit it to yourself. Please don’t get me wrong, I did not set out for this to be a boo-hoo, poor me story. I am genuinely the happiest I have ever been being a mama and I feel in my element. I enjoy being with my baby so much and I love sharing all of those precious milestones together. I was made to be a mama, I just didn’t picture it being so lonely.
I have promised myself that I will persevere with baby groups, maybe I will try out a different group. They cant all be the same can they? Someone else must be in the same boat as me? I know this feeling will pass and I ‘Just need to put myself out there’ what ever that means. I WILL try and I WILL gain more confidence in myself. However long it takes, I WILL do it.