It’s ok, I’m ok. I’m just busy today.

I go to bed every night promising myself I will do better, I will be better. I promise myself I will be more proactive, productive and organised. I will eat healthy, get fit, take care of myself. I will be brave, go out, socialise, have fun. I will be the best mother, wife and friend. I will teach, I will play, I will love. I will be the best person I can be. Tomorrow I will be the best person I can be.

The morning comes and I scare myself with the possibility of being better, the possibility of taking the steps to be healthy, to be fit. The possibility of putting me first.

I try to be brave. I unlock my phone to make plans, socialise and have fun. My fingers stumble as I try to find the name of someone. Someone who I can bare to face today. I write the text. I delete the text. I lock my phone… I tell myself I’m being stupid. I write the text. I delete the text. I lock my phone… I’m too busy today. I have… stuff, I need to do. I never have stuff I need to do.

My mind tells me I have more Important stuff to do today. It’s ok, I’m ok, I have stuff I need to do today. My children are my focus. I have washing, drying, cleaning, cooking and work I need to do today. There is no room for me today. It’s ok. I’m ok. I have stuff I need to do today.

So Im sorry if I do not text you. If I do not call you. If you do not see me out. But I do not have time for me today. But It’s ok, Im ok. I’m just busy today.

I go to bed each night promising myself I will get better, be better. I will make time for myself. I will make time to deal with myself. I give myself a pep talk and I feel much better.

I open my phone to make plans for tomorrow. I scroll to a name, I write out a text…I delete the text, I lock my phone. It’s ok. I’m ok. I think I’m busy tomorrow. They won’t be bothered any way. I’m not smart enough, I’m not interesting enough, I’m not worth their time. They won’t miss out if I don’t make plans. I am busy tomorrow anyway. I have…stuff, I need to do.

I watch my children play, I sing songs, I read stories, I make lunches, I kiss their boo boos, I carry them around in my arms. I kiss, I cuddle, I take care. I have genuine fun. I am in my comfort zone and I feel relaxed and happy. I laugh and smile all day. It’s ok, I’m ok. My children need me to today.

I watch myself, watching the children. I spend most of the day in my own head. I have fun on the outside, I cry on the inside. I smile and tickle my children, I have everything under control. On the inside I am nervous, I am worried, I am… sad. I have the same conversation in my own head. I argue with myself. I am worried. I am worried someone may talk to me, someone besides my children.

What do I say? What do I do? I have the conversation in my own head. What if they said this, what would I say back? What if I sound stupid? What if I say something wrong? Keep it short and sweet it will be ok. I get myself worked up. I get myself worried. Please don’t come and talk to me today.

You may see me around. I look fine. I sound fine. I smile. I laugh. I joke. I’ve practiced all day what I will say if anyone tries to talk. You do not need to be physically trembling with fear to be anxious. You may not even notice from the outside.

I have constant irrational fears. I have no idea why. I worry all day, I worry all night. I hear my own heart beat and breath too fast, I get too hot. I start to sweat. I am tense, jumpy, irritable and shaky. I can’t calm myself down, so I write it down. I’ve gotten good at hiding it away. I don’t want anyone else to see. I don’t want anyone else to know.

I breath a little easier, I cool myself down. I hug and kiss my children. I practice what I will say to the next person I see. I look ok on the outside. I sound just fine on the outside. But Im not ok, and it’s not ok. But I WILL be ok.

So when you see me next, I may seam a little off, I’m not upset with you, I promise and I don’t mean to be rude. Sometimes I’m stuck inside my own head and I just need a little hug. I don’t need words. I don’t need you to fix me.  I can get over this, I can get back on track. I always get back on track. I break quite easily and its hard to piece myself back together. I have good days and bad days. I promise my smile is not always fake. I love my life, my family and my friends.  I just wish I didn’t fall apart quite so easily.

I took the first step today, I admitted my fears. I told you, I said it out loud. I said it online and more importantly I said it to myself. I will get better. I just need a little help that’s all. I need to do it in my own time and my own way. But I will be ok! I promise I will be ok!

*its taken me 6 weeks to publish this, today I am taking the leap. Here goes.

Much love,

J

X

3 thoughts on “It’s ok, I’m ok. I’m just busy today.

Add yours

  1. You are AMAZING for being able to share your honest thoughts, your reality.
    I am very much inside my head all the time, too. Having irrational (or rational but unhelpful!) fears. I am truly only comfortable online with others, except my husband and kids – I’m super comfy with them which makes me happy beyond belief. 🙂
    ((hugs)) to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am SO thankful that I stumbled upon your post this morning. I absolutely love your authenticity, your courage in sharing. What an inspiration! I have recently (over the past year) begun to have anxiety surface in my life, and it has been therapeutic to write about it, though I’ve only started sharing about it in the past couple of weeks. I’m learning that it’s also very helpful to read about the experiences and thoughts of others, to help me know I’m not alone. Again, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed your story and your style! 🦋S.A.

    Like

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