I go to bed every night promising myself I will do better, I will be better. I promise myself I will be more proactive, productive and organised. I will eat healthy, get fit, take care of myself. I will be brave, go out, socialise, have fun. I will be the best mother, wife and friend. I will teach, I will play, I will love. I will be the best person I can be. Tomorrow I will be the best person I can be.
The morning comes and I scare myself with the possibility of being better, the possibility of taking the steps to be healthy, to be fit. The possibility of putting me first.
I try to be brave. I unlock my phone to make plans, socialise and have fun. My fingers stumble as I try to find the name of someone. Someone who I can bare to face today. I write the text. I delete the text. I lock my phone… I tell myself I’m being stupid. I write the text. I delete the text. I lock my phone… I’m too busy today. I have… stuff, I need to do. I never have stuff I need to do.
My mind tells me I have more Important stuff to do today. It’s ok, I’m ok, I have stuff I need to do today. My children are my focus. I have washing, drying, cleaning, cooking and work I need to do today. There is no room for me today. It’s ok. I’m ok. I have stuff I need to do today.
So Im sorry if I do not text you. If I do not call you. If you do not see me out. But I do not have time for me today. But It’s ok, Im ok. I’m just busy today.
I go to bed each night promising myself I will get better, be better. I will make time for myself. I will make time to deal with myself. I give myself a pep talk and I feel much better.
I open my phone to make plans for tomorrow. I scroll to a name, I write out a text…I delete the text, I lock my phone. It’s ok. I’m ok. I think I’m busy tomorrow. They won’t be bothered any way. I’m not smart enough, I’m not interesting enough, I’m not worth their time. They won’t miss out if I don’t make plans. I am busy tomorrow anyway. I have…stuff, I need to do.
I watch my children play, I sing songs, I read stories, I make lunches, I kiss their boo boos, I carry them around in my arms. I kiss, I cuddle, I take care. I have genuine fun. I am in my comfort zone and I feel relaxed and happy. I laugh and smile all day. It’s ok, I’m ok. My children need me to today.
I watch myself, watching the children. I spend most of the day in my own head. I have fun on the outside, I cry on the inside. I smile and tickle my children, I have everything under control. On the inside I am nervous, I am worried, I am… sad. I have the same conversation in my own head. I argue with myself. I am worried. I am worried someone may talk to me, someone besides my children.
What do I say? What do I do? I have the conversation in my own head. What if they said this, what would I say back? What if I sound stupid? What if I say something wrong? Keep it short and sweet it will be ok. I get myself worked up. I get myself worried. Please don’t come and talk to me today.
You may see me around. I look fine. I sound fine. I smile. I laugh. I joke. I’ve practiced all day what I will say if anyone tries to talk. You do not need to be physically trembling with fear to be anxious. You may not even notice from the outside.
I have constant irrational fears. I have no idea why. I worry all day, I worry all night. I hear my own heart beat and breath too fast, I get too hot. I start to sweat. I am tense, jumpy, irritable and shaky. I can’t calm myself down, so I write it down. I’ve gotten good at hiding it away. I don’t want anyone else to see. I don’t want anyone else to know.
I breath a little easier, I cool myself down. I hug and kiss my children. I practice what I will say to the next person I see. I look ok on the outside. I sound just fine on the outside. But Im not ok, and it’s not ok. But I WILL be ok.
So when you see me next, I may seam a little off, I’m not upset with you, I promise and I don’t mean to be rude. Sometimes I’m stuck inside my own head and I just need a little hug. I don’t need words. I don’t need you to fix me. I can get over this, I can get back on track. I always get back on track. I break quite easily and its hard to piece myself back together. I have good days and bad days. I promise my smile is not always fake. I love my life, my family and my friends. I just wish I didn’t fall apart quite so easily.
I took the first step today, I admitted my fears. I told you, I said it out loud. I said it online and more importantly I said it to myself. I will get better. I just need a little help that’s all. I need to do it in my own time and my own way. But I will be ok! I promise I will be ok!
*its taken me 6 weeks to publish this, today I am taking the leap. Here goes.